Read Part One here if you haven’t had a chance: Amy continues her story of God’s grace through the unburdening of a deeply guarded secret… Part One may be found here!
That night, as I stood behind the couch facing my biggest fear and the single most hurtful thing I had done to my husband and my marriage, I felt the presence of the Lord.
Habakkuk 3:19 NIV “The Sovereign LORD is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to tread on the heights.”
At this point the relationship I had with the Lord was at its strongest. In complete desperation for Him, I knew He was the only one who could fix what I had broken.
Looking to Him with open arms, I asked my husband if I could tell him something when the kids went to bed, but he said, “No, just tell me now.” He was nervous, later admitting he thought I would tell him I had a terminal illness.
I told him in one sentence, “Eight years ago, I had two affairs, I am sorry I have hurt you and our marriage, will you forgive me?”
He responded with words the Lord had spoken to me many times, “I know you are not that person anymore.” My husband embraced me with tenderness and I cried. After a few minutes he said he was proud of me for admitting this after all these years, and it must have been difficult to do. Even these words were filled with the Holy Spirit. That moment was supernatural. I knew then there was still a lot healing and restoration to be done in my marriage, but this instant was a testimony to the Lord for the work He had done in both of ours hearts already.
Processing the Pain
The days and weeks following were difficult and my husband did not offer forgiveness right away. Even though the initial confession went better than I could have imagined, as we waded through the pain, the hurt hit us. Conversations were repeated, details were discussed, and hearts continued to be broken. But during that time I still felt the Lord with us. We both had a foundation built from unconditional love by God. Our hearts remained soft towards one another as we processed through it together.
Two verses God laid on my heart were Revelation 21:5 ESV, “And he who was seated on the throne said, ‘Behold, I am making all things new.’ Also he said, ‘Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.’” God was mending our marriage through the storm of a decade of hurt, betrayal, and fear. I trusted He was the one doing the work. I dug deep with God by opening my bible to the Psalms every day and night. I read and cried and grieved over what I had done, and what was lost in my marriage. But God comforted me and reminded me day after day with words from the Amanda Cook song, Never See.
It took about two months until my husband and I were back to what seemed like normal for us. God used Ecclesiastes 3:11 ESV to remind me of His sovereignty in this marriage that for eight years was a struggle for me. “He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man’s heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end.”
God showed me His power and love on this journey.
When we withhold our sin or take control from Him, we are not trusting Him. We are not giving Him a chance to help us, and we cut off the power of God in working all things together for our good. When we confess our sin, give God our brokenness, and acknowledge our brokenness, we declare our faith in God and the sacrifice of His Son. We give Him credit for what He is already doing, He is sovereign over all things. Whether He is healing a broken marriage or breathing life into a little girl healing from sexual abuse, we must choose to enter with open arms. There is nothing we can bring to the Lord but our brokenness.When we withhold our sin or take control from Him, we are not trusting Him. We are not giving Him a chance to help us, and we cut off the power of God in working all things together for our good. -Amy Merritt Click To Tweet
And He loves us right there just like that!
Now, I can say I lean my whole weight into Jesus. He catches me and keeps me upright, and brings more freedom than I could have imagined. Matthew 11:28 NIV says, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”
Do you want something in your life to change? Is there a stumbling block between you and God?
What is that one thing that you know you are holding back from surrendering? Can you let God know you are acknowledging it and see where He takes you? With God anything is possible. He does immeasurably more than we can ask or imagine.