God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them. – Romans 8:28 (NLV)
I am 9 months pregnant with my 5th child.
Only two weeks from my due date, I find out this baby is undeliverable in her current position. This is the 3rd time in a row this has happened! Why can’t my babies just cooperate like the statistics say they should?
Last time we didn’t catch it early enough and the trauma of that emergency C-Section is still fresh in my mind. I didn’t realize how many hopes, dreams and expectations I have built up around having a healthy VBAC. I need this to prove to myself that I am not “broken”. Due to the trauma I experienced, I am terrified I haven’t healed completely or maybe never will. But, my hopes are going up in smoke. The odds of a second C-Section with likely complications have now surpassed those of a normal birth.
This news sent me into a panic attack for several days.
I spent the first couple days trying to invent ways this can still work out according to my plan. I spent hours hanging upside down to encourage baby to flip on her own. But, I only felt like I wanted to puke and reactivated my sciatica to near paralysis. Mentally and emotionally, I sent myself into a disastrous, downward spiral where I only saw the negative. I could only feel my pain, only see my fear, and only imagine reliving the trauma of a mere 16 months prior.
I became silent and sullen.
Muttering swear words under my breath.
I couldn’t smile.
Always on the verge of tears.
My husband asked if I was ok, and that question unleashed the floodgates. When I slowed down, he asked me “What exactly are you afraid of?” The question caught me by surprise. Hadn’t I just explained all that?
But, it made me think….
I’m afraid of the pain of surgery itself.
The hospital, the knives, the needles.
I’m afraid of being awake in an operating room (last time I wasn’t – it all happened too fast)
I’m afraid of not being in control, of another difficult recovery.
I’m afraid of having to wait so much longer to heal before I can begin “getting my body back”.
Yes, I was afraid… but I wasn’t afraid of anything happening to baby. I wasn’t afraid of anything serious.
All my fears were self-centered.
As I reached this conclusion, I heard a voice in my heart ask, “How much do you love?”
Do I love enough to set aside my fears of what happens to me as long as my baby will be ok?
Do I love enough to trust God’s plan?
Do I love enough to offer up my body as a sacrifice?
This is my garden of Gethsemane, my moment to sweat blood, and still accept the cross.
Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done. – Luke 22:42 (NLV)
All I need to know is God has a plan.All I need to know is God has a plan. -Carolyn Pereira Click To Tweet
I must trust His plan.
His plans are good.
He is trustworthy.
HE has everything under control and I don’t need to try to control it all.
Shouldn’t that be a weight off my shoulders?
I’m not going to lie… this realization did NOT console me.
Why should I have to suffer? Why do I have to go through this again? Why did my hopes have to be so unreasonable? Haven’t I already given enough? Why does God’s plan have to feel so much like a “punishment”? What did I do to deserve this?
The truth is NOTHING. I did nothing to “deserve” this. This isn’t given to me because I deserve it. Did Christ do something to deserve the cross? Of course NOT. Christ didn’t go through Calvary because He deserved it, but because He LOVED.Christ didn’t go through Calvary because He deserved it, but because He LOVED. - Carolyn Pereira Click To Tweet
Yup, I was learning a lot, but I was still not consoled.
I’m not God. I don’t want Gethsemane or the cross… even if it is for love.
Do I love? Maybe, but clearly not enough. In that moment, I didn’t even care if I loved enough… I was too angry about feeling “punished” by God’s “great” plan.
Finally, I was just tired. I asked Him to take my fight. I took a deep breath, blew my nose, wiped my eyes, packed my hospital bag so I could be ready for the unknown, and then cleaned bathrooms like my life depended on it.
Sometimes cleaning helps distract me from my fears. Not this time. I was still hanging on to all the fears He wanted to teach me how to handle.
But, as I scrubbed that floor I heard the voice in my heart once more, “Maybe if you spent less time fighting my plan, you would have more energy for the battles that matter.”
Different tears flowed. Tears of sorrow for my anger. Tears of repentance for my sullen silence and attempt to find refuge in everything but Him. Only then, I felt His peace rush over my soul. I was losing all the battles that matter, the ones I should fight. The people I love were suffering from my attitude. My baby was suffering from my stress. Even I was suffering because of the peace I was letting the enemy take from me.
So, do I know what will happen when I go in tomorrow?
But somehow, it doesn’t matter anymore.
Today I will focus on loving the people around me.
Today I will focus on doing all those things I might not be able to do tomorrow.
Today I will stop using my energy to fight against God and fight the battles that matter.
What is the Lord trying to teach you in your fear today? Share in the comments below.
Author’s Note: Since the writing of this post I had a beautiful 6lb 6oz baby girl as a healthy VBAC. I had a wonderful doctor and an incredible team of prayer warriors who made this little miracle possible. Some may say my fears were unwarranted and discount them, but I am a firm believer in the fact that no matter what the outcome will be, God must allow us to experience our fears in order for us to grow in love and trust in Him. If you are experiencing fear today, give it to Him. Choose love! He WILL come through for you, I promise. Blessings!
Carolyn Pereira, Contributing Writer
Carolyn is a wife of eight years and a mother of five littles. She runs the blog Particularly Called and attempting to start another business while her husband works full time for the Post Office. Their life is crazy insane but grounded in the peace that comes from an intimate and unshakable relationship with God. ParticularlyCALLED is a ministry that seeks to help you discover a deep and passionate love affair with God, your calling, and the person you have the capacity to become. Read more about her family on her About Page. You may connect with her on Facebook or Pinterest.